he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
