It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
