My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
