I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
