I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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