I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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