Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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