I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
