Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
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I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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