Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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