I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
it glows. i had to have it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
