i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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