1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
