i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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