mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
