smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
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I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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