i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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