I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
