He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
