my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I did not marry a roomba.
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