I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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