i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
