i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you will always have a special place in my vag
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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