drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
