Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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