Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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