You smell like a Billy Joel song
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
