I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
