He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
