saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
