i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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