I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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