So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
