We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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