i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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