How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
