Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
