dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
