hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just threw up on my dentist
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
