my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
