I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
