I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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