Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
a search helicopter?!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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