did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
