its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My pussy is not your playground.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
