The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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