Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
