wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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