I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
