I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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