i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
