So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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