U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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