craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
