guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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