I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
