I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
